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Re: Jokes, please

Post  BigP on Fri Jun 28, 2013 10:59 am

hicc's wrote:Yeah I know... thats why I'm making the most of things while I still have a pulse  Twisted Evil


A pulse..


Id be careful if I were you, because that's all someone needs for Tick to start showing an interest in them lol

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Re: Jokes, please

Post  hicc's on Fri Jun 28, 2013 9:12 am

Yeah I know... thats why I'm making the most of things while I still have a pulse  Twisted Evil

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Re: Jokes, please

Post  Ticky on Fri Jun 28, 2013 8:39 am

hicc's wrote:There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in St. Luke’s Nursing home and the editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twin biddies.

One of the twins was hard of hearing but the other could hear quite well.
The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa.
The deaf one said to her twin, “WHAT DID HE SAY?” “WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!”, said the other.
“Now get a little closer together”, said the cameraman. Again “WHAT DID HE SAY?”
“HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE”.
So, they wiggled up close to each other.
“Just hold on for a bit longer, I’ve got to focus a little,” said the photographer.
Yet again – “WHAT DID HE SAY?”
“HE SAYS HE’S GONNA FOCUS!”
With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, “OH MY GOD – BOTH OF US?”



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Re: Jokes, please

Post  hicc's on Thu Jun 27, 2013 11:18 pm

There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in St. Luke’s Nursing home and the editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twin biddies.

One of the twins was hard of hearing but the other could hear quite well.
The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa.
The deaf one said to her twin, “WHAT DID HE SAY?” “WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!”, said the other.
“Now get a little closer together”, said the cameraman. Again “WHAT DID HE SAY?”
“HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE”.
So, they wiggled up close to each other.
“Just hold on for a bit longer, I’ve got to focus a little,” said the photographer.
Yet again – “WHAT DID HE SAY?”
“HE SAYS HE’S GONNA FOCUS!”
With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, “OH MY GOD – BOTH OF US?”



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Re: Jokes, please

Post  Ticky on Sat May 18, 2013 2:34 pm

What's the difference
between stress, tension and panic?

Stress is when wife is pregnant,

Tension
is when girlfriend is pregnant,

and Panic is when both are pregnant.
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Re: Jokes, please

Post  Ticky on Fri May 17, 2013 10:07 am

Thanks Hiccs...I will remember that....
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Re: Jokes, please

Post  hicc's on Fri May 17, 2013 9:50 am

One for Tick...lol
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Re: Jokes, please

Post  Rumi on Wed May 15, 2013 3:38 pm

One day in the Bakery...

A Greek and an Arab go into a bakery. The Arab
steals 3 pastries and puts them in his pocket.
He says to the Greek, "See how good I am? The
owner didn't see anything!"

The Greek says to the Arab, "I am going to show
you there is nobody better than a Greek." He
goes to the owner and says, "Give me a pastry
and I will show you a magic trick.''

Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a
pastry. The Greek swallows it and asks for
another one. The owner gives him another one.
Then the Greek asks for another one and swallows it.

The owner is starting to wonder what the magic
trick is and says, "What is the trick,
Where are the pastries?

The Greek answers, "Look in the Arab's pocket."
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Re: Jokes, please

Post  daniel on Sun Apr 07, 2013 6:43 pm

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Re: Jokes, please

Post  hicc's on Sat Apr 06, 2013 11:39 pm


A bus full of nuns crashes and Unfortunately they all die. At the gates of heaven they meet St Peter
he asks the first nun "have you ever had any contact with a penis. the nun replies "i poked one once" St Peter says "wash your finger in this holy water and enter heaven"
he asks the next nun the same question, she replies "I fondled with one once". "wash your hand in this holy water and enter heaven"
then St Peter hears a commotion among the other nuns and one nun pushes to the front
"what's wrong?" he asks
the nun replies "if im going to have to gargle that holy water, I want to do it before Sister Anne washes her ass in it"Smile
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Re: Jokes, please

Post  Ticky on Sat Apr 06, 2013 9:58 pm

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Re: Jokes, please

Post  Ticky on Sat Apr 06, 2013 2:05 pm

Did
I read that sign right ?
In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER......PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES
OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR
FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND
UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE
ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?



Notice
in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT,
THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT
THE BULL CHARGES.

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR -
THE BELL
DOESN'T WORK
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Re: Jokes, please

Post  recj on Fri Apr 05, 2013 2:37 pm

Ticky wrote:Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they
think men care.

I will slap you Mr Tick, not all women fake orgasms, it is only that men don't know how to do anything other than the missionary style, if I have to explain then you need education, or maybe you are passed all that?? Opps out of here quick smart.
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Re: Jokes, please

Post  recj on Fri Apr 05, 2013 2:34 pm

Ticky wrote:Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's
one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the
kitchen sin
k.

Mr Tick, so you want a slap around the ears, women can multi task, men can't do more than one thing at a time, this is a fact, now am running fast before you get all uptight and forget to put the spuds on.
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Re: Jokes, please

Post  Ticky on Fri Apr 05, 2013 12:50 pm

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's
one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the
kitchen sin
k.
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Re: Jokes, please

Post  Ticky on Fri Apr 05, 2013 12:49 pm

Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they
think men care.
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Re: Jokes, please

Post  hicc's on Tue Apr 02, 2013 5:14 pm

Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favourite sex positions. One said, “I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best.”

“I don’t think I have ever heard of that one,” said the other cowboy. “What is it?”

“Well, it’s where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind.
Then you reach around and cup one of her breasts in each hand and whisper in her ear, ‘Boy, these feel just like your sister’s.’

Then you try and stay on for eight seconds!”

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Re: Jokes, please

Post  hicc's on Tue Apr 02, 2013 4:48 pm

A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $5,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home she stops at a news stand to buy a paper. Before leaving, she asks the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32", the clerk replies.
"I'm actually 47," the woman says happily.
A little while later, she goes into McDonald's, and upon getting her order, asks the counter girl the same question. She replies, "I'd quess about 29."
The woman replies, "Nope, I am 47." Now she is feeling really good about herself.
While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is starting to go. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but it requires you to let me put my hands up your shirt and feel your boobs. Then I can tell exactly how old you are."
They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of the woman, and she finally said, "What the hell, go ahead."
The old man slips both hands up her shirt, under her bra, and begins to feel around. After a couple of minutes, she says, "Okay, okay, how old am I?"
He removes his hands and says, "You are 47."
Stunned, the woman says, "That is amazing! How did you know?"
The old man replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
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Re: Jokes, please

Post  hicc's on Tue Mar 26, 2013 11:00 am

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing My curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is Proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too.'
And then the fight started...

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Re: Jokes, please

Post  hicc's on Fri Mar 15, 2013 9:46 pm

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Re: Jokes, please

Post  Ticky on Fri Mar 15, 2013 9:09 pm

An
older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the
wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She
said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting.."

Wearily
he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to
sleep.

A
few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me.."

Mildly
irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to
sleep.

Thirty
seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck..."

Angrily,
he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where
are you going?" she asked..


"To
get my teeth!"
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Re: Jokes, please

Post  hicc's on Sat Mar 02, 2013 10:45 pm

A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on - the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with-my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She - tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She - even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth-out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and-she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?" the old man replied, "yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!"
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Re: Jokes, please

Post  Ticky on Sat Mar 02, 2013 10:37 pm

hicc's wrote:
Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become paralyzed, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. "On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.

RIPPER.....
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Re: Jokes, please

Post  hicc's on Sat Mar 02, 2013 10:35 pm


Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become paralyzed, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. "On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.
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Re: Jokes, please

Post  hicc's on Sat Mar 02, 2013 7:44 pm



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Re: Jokes, please

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