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Re: Jokes, please

Post  hicc's on Mon Oct 07, 2013 7:38 pm

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop, with there 8 children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes.

When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and her eight children are able to fit in the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.

After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man and says to him.

"Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick, that ticking sound is driving me crazy!!"

The blind man replies: "If you would've put a rubber on the end of YOUR Dick, we'd be sitting in the bus.
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Re: Jokes, please

Post  hicc's on Sat Oct 05, 2013 10:00 am

Posted it before.. but I likes it... Very Happy 

Meanwhile In Australia.

Three sheilas were having a girl's night out and talked about their blokes.
The single sheila said, "Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my bloke's office wearing a leather coat.

When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that he rooted me on his desk right then and there!"

The engaged sheila giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my bloke got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stilettos. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"

The married sheila put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume.

I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask.

When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?'"
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Re: Jokes, please

Post  Guest on Sat Sep 28, 2013 3:29 pm





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Re: Jokes, please

Post  hicc's on Thu Sep 26, 2013 5:14 pm

The ode to Poms was copied off my friends facebook..lol

If you dont like the "F" word.. look away now.. Twisted Evil
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Re: Jokes, please

Post  hicc's on Thu Sep 26, 2013 5:13 pm

Meanwhile In Australia.

DIARY OF A POM IN WESTERN AUSTRALIA

August 31
Just got transferred with work from Leeds UK to our new home in Karratha , Western Australia .
Now this is a town that knows how to live!
Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings.
I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our pool yesterday.
It was beautiful.
I've finally found my new home.
I love it here.

September 13
Really heating up now.
It got to 31 today.
No problem though.
Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car.
What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this.
I'm turning into a sun-worshipper - no blasted rain like back in Leeds !!

September 30
Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today.
Lots of palms and rocks.
No more mowing lawns for me!
Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
It's Paradise !

October 10
The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week.
How do people get used to this kind of heat?
At least today it's windy though.
Keeps the flies off a bit.
Acclimatizing is taking longer than we expected.

October 15
Fell asleep by the pool yesterday.
Got third degree burns over 60% of my body.
Missed three days off work.
What a dumb thing to do..
Got to respect the old sun in a climate like this!

October 20
- Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I left for work this morning.
By the time I got back to the car after work, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the upholstery.
The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat shit.
I've learned my lesson though: no more pets in this heat.

October 25
- This wind is a bastard.
It feels like a giant fucking blow dryer.
And it's hot as hell!
The home air conditioner is on the blink and the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order parts from fucking Perth .....The wife & the kids are complaining.

October 30
- The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven't arrived for the fucking air conditioner.
House is an oven so we've all been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now.
Bloody $600,000 house and we can't even go inside.
Why the hell did I ever come here?

November 4
Finally got the fucking air-conditioner fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it feel about 35.
Stupid repairman.
Fucking thief.

November 8
- If one more smart bastard says 'Hot enough for you today?'
I'm going to fucking throttle him.
Fucking heat!
By the time I get to work, the car radiator is boiling over, my fucking clothes are soaking fucking wet and I smell like baked cat.
Fucking place is the end of the Earth.

November 9
- Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black leather upholstery in my car.
I thought my fucking arse was on fire.
I lost 2 layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and off my fucking arse.
Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and baked cat.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

November 10
-- The Weather report might as well be a fucking recording..
Hot and sunny.
Hot and sunny, Hot and fucking sunny.
It never fucking changes!
It's been too hot to do anything for 2 fucking months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.
Fuck!

November 15
- Doesn't it ever rain in this damn fucking place?
Water restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and blow into the fucking pool.
The only things that thrive in this fucking hell-hole are the fucking flies.
You don't dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a dozen of the little bastards!

November 20
- Welcome to HELL!
It got to 45 fuckin' degrees today.
Now the air conditioner gone in my car.
The repair man came to fix it and said, 'Hot enough for you today?'
I wanted to shove the fucking car up his fucking arse.
Anyway, had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid prick.
Fucking Karratha!
What kind of sick, demented fucking idiot would want to live here!

December 1
- WHAT!!!! The FIRST day of Summer!!!!
You are fucking kidding me!
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Re: Jokes, please

Post  Guest on Wed Sep 25, 2013 10:54 pm


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Re: Jokes, please

Post  Guest on Sun Sep 22, 2013 7:22 pm

I apologized Feral but you will have to read back now.


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Re: Jokes, please

Post  Guest on Sat Sep 07, 2013 5:15 pm



Now theres a JOKE if ever I saw one.  

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Re: Jokes, please

Post  hicc's on Sun Aug 25, 2013 5:33 pm

Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor.

Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suction-cupped herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband, "Bruce! Bruce!" Bruce came running in.

"Bruce, I've F***ing suctioned myself to the floor," she said.
"S'truth," Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl.
I'll go across the road and get me mate Wayne to help."

They came back and they both tried to pull her up.
"No way, we can't do it," Wayne said, "so let's try Plan B."
"Plan B," exclaimed Bruce, "what's that?"

"I'll go home and get me hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles under her," replied Wayne.
"Spot on," Bruce said, "while you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her nipples."
"Play with her nipples?"

Wayne said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate!"

"No," Bruce replied, "but I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we
can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are less expensive..."


Twisted Evil Evil or Very Mad
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Re: Jokes, please

Post  hicc's on Mon Aug 19, 2013 10:04 pm

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. 
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' 
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
 Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again.
Wife replied: 'Your Horse is on the phone!!!
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Re: Jokes, please

Post  hicc's on Mon Aug 19, 2013 9:54 pm

This man was on his way to work and he was speeding along when  a cop pulled him over at the end of the bridge and said  "sir why were you speeding?"  the man said  "well officer I'm on the way to work, I'm a doctor"
 The  officer nodded his head and asked  "well what field are you in?"  the doctor replied  " I'm a proctologist."  Looking interested the cop asked another question  "Well what's new in proctology?" 
"Well" said the doctor   "We have  this new operation and what we do is at first we stick this device inside the ass hole and stretch it about 3 inches then a week later we stretch it out a few more inches.. next week another 3 inches  and so on until the ass hole reaches 72 inches."
 Wide eyed and fascinated, the officer asked " what the hell do you do with a 6 foot ass hole?!?!"


 The doctor  replied " We put it at the end of a bridge with a radar gun" 
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Re: Jokes, please

Post  hicc's on Sat Aug 17, 2013 6:41 pm

  lol
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Re: Jokes, please

Post  Rumi on Sat Aug 17, 2013 2:41 pm

Not very politically correct but oh well ...

In the pub the other day I was telling that old joke about what you do if you see an epileptic

having a fit in the bath. Answer; throw in your washing.
We were all having a good laugh about this, when this big bastard tapped me on the shoulder

and said “I don’t find that very funny. My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath

during one of his fits.” I said “Sorry mate, did he drown?”
“No,” he said, “he choked on a sock.”
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Re: Jokes, please

Post  Ticky on Sat Aug 17, 2013 2:23 pm

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man
ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be
alone and the cook asked him if he would like it
cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for
some time then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces;
I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.
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Re: Jokes, please

Post  hicc's on Sun Aug 04, 2013 10:49 am

My wonderful girlfriend and I have been dating for over a year now. Two months ago, I finally proposed to her. There's only one little thing bothering me: Her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law is twenty-two, wears very tight miniskirts, and generally goes bra-less. Yesterday, "little" sister called me and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me we should make love just once before I get married and commit my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "we are very happy that you have passed our little test... we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.......
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Re: Jokes, please

Post  hicc's on Fri Aug 02, 2013 9:16 pm

A little dwarf lady goes into her doctor's office complaining of an irritated crotch. After an examination, the doctor sighs, "I don't seem to see any problem. Does it get better or worse at any time?" "Yeah, it's really bad whenever it rains," she replies. "Well, then," says the Doc, "Next time it rains, get in here at once, and we'll take another look at it."

Two weeks later, it's raining really hard, and the little lady shows up at the doctor's office. "Doctor, it's really bad today. Please, you have to help me!!" "Well, let's have a look," he says, as he lifts her up onto the table. "Oh, yes, I think I see the problem. Nurse, bring me a surgical kit. Don't worry ma'am, this won't hurt a bit."

The dwarf lady closes her eyes in painful anticipation. The doctor begins snipping away and finishes a few minutes later. "There you go, ma'am, try that." She walks back and forth around the office and exclaims, "That's great, Doc, what did you do?"

"I just took a couple of inches off the top of your rain boots."
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Re: Jokes, please

Post  hicc's on Fri Aug 02, 2013 9:08 pm

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. 


In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. 


Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"
...  lol
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Re: Jokes, please

Post  Ticky on Thu Jul 18, 2013 11:52 am

An old Irish World War II Spitfire pilot and flying ACE, was speaking in a
church and reminiscing about his war experiences. "In 1942," he says, "the
situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I
remember," he continues, "one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly,
out of the clouds, these Fokkers appeared."

There are a few gasps from the parishioners, and several of the children
began to giggle. "I looked up, and realized that two of the Fokkers were
directly above me. I aimed at the first one and shot him down. By then,
though, the other Fokker was right on my tail."

At this point, several of the elderly ladies of the church were blushing
with embarrassment, the girls were all giggling and the boys laughing
loudly.

The pastor finally stands up and says, "I think I should point out that
'Fokker' was the name of a German-Dutch aircraft company, who made many of
the planes used by the Germans during the war."

"Yes, that's true," says the old pilot, "but these fokkers were flying
Messerschmitts."
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Re: Jokes, please

Post  hicc's on Sat Jul 13, 2013 6:33 pm

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Re: Jokes, please

Post  Ticky on Fri Jul 12, 2013 11:24 pm

The General Manager of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, 'You graduated from University and I need some help. If I were to give you £20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?'

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, 'Everything but my earrings.'
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Re: Jokes, please

Post  Rumi on Sat Jul 06, 2013 6:46 pm

Scottish Comparison ...

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach.
He had no arms and no legs.
Three women, from England, Wales and Scotland were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man said, "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The Scottish woman came to him and said, "'ave ya ever been fucked laddie?"
The man broke into a big smile and said, "No".
She said, "Aye, well ya will be when the tide comes in."
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Re: Jokes, please

Post  Ticky on Sun Jun 30, 2013 1:49 pm

you female women people are a worry sometimes.....lol
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Re: Jokes, please

Post  hicc's on Sun Jun 30, 2013 1:28 pm

I like that one..
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Re: Jokes, please

Post  Rumi on Sun Jun 30, 2013 1:21 pm

Little Johnny is sitting in biology class, when his teacher states the fact that only humans stutter, and no other animal in the world does.

Johnny raises his hand and says. "You're wrong, Miss Finch!"

"Really, would you mind telling us why that is Johnny?," replies the teacher.

"Well, Miss Finch, the other day I was playing with my cat on the porch. The neighbors' Rottweiler came around the corner, and my cat went "fffff! fffff! fffff!", and before he could say "Fuck!", the dog ate him!"
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Re: Jokes, please

Post  Ticky on Fri Jun 28, 2013 11:42 am

HEY PUMP....................
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