Jokes, please

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Re: Jokes, please

Post  foxidrive on Wed Dec 28, 2011 7:59 pm

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a Brooklyn
construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and
decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.

She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and
talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to
the spot where the men were eating.

She walked up to the group and with a big smile said:
'Do you men know Jesus Christ?'
They shook their heads and looked at each other.
One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled,
'Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?'
One of the steelworkers yelled down a 'Why'?
The worker yelled back, 'His wife's here with his lunch.'
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Re: Jokes, please

Post  Ticky on Wed Dec 28, 2011 7:16 pm

inbound39 wrote:Guy wakes up in the morning and makes his way to the kitchen to make his morning coffee. He notices his blonde wife staring at the carton of Orange juice on the table. Unperturbed he proceeds to set the perculator up and makes his coffee. He notices his wife is still staring at the Orange Juice carton.

Intrigued he asks her what she is doing. She replies....."It says concentrate on the carton!".
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Re: Jokes, please

Post  Guest on Wed Dec 28, 2011 7:01 pm

Guy wakes up in the morning and makes his way to the kitchen to make his morning coffee. He notices his blonde wife staring at the carton of Orange juice on the table. Unperturbed he proceeds to set the perculator up and makes his coffee. He notices his wife is still staring at the Orange Juice carton.

Intrigued he asks her what she is doing. She replies....."It says concentrate on the carton!".

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Re: Jokes, please

Post  Ticky on Wed Dec 28, 2011 6:36 pm

foxidrive wrote:
hicc's wrote:A blonde in Wisconsin decided she needed something new and different for a winter hobby

Terrified, the blonde looked skyward and asked, "Is that you, Lord?"
And the voice boomed back, "No, this is the manager of the skating rink."

Typical bloody woman, eh guys!

you're on ya own maaaate...he he
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Re: Jokes, please

Post  foxidrive on Wed Dec 28, 2011 6:13 pm

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his younger employees.

"Yes, Sir."

"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on.
"About an hour after you left yesterday to go to your grandfather's funeral, he stopped in to see you."
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Re: Jokes, please

Post  foxidrive on Wed Dec 28, 2011 6:11 pm

hicc's wrote:A blonde in Wisconsin decided she needed something new and different for a winter hobby

Terrified, the blonde looked skyward and asked, "Is that you, Lord?"
And the voice boomed back, "No, this is the manager of the skating rink."

Typical bloody woman, eh guys!
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Re: Jokes, please

Post  hicc's on Wed Dec 28, 2011 5:01 pm

A blonde in Wisconsin decided she needed something new and different for a winter hobby, so she went to the bookstore and bought every book she could find on ice fishing. For weeks she read and studied, hoping to become an expert in the field. Finally she felt she knew enough and out she went for her first ice fishing trip. She carefully gathered up and packed all the tools and equipment needed for the excursion. Each piece of equipment had its special place in her kit. When she got to the ice, she found a quiet little area, opened her padded stool and carefully laid out her tools. Just as she was about to make her first cut into the ice a booming voice from the sky bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!"
Startled, the blonde grabbed up all her belongings, moved further along the ice, poured some hot chocolate from her thermos, and started to cut a new hole. Again the voice from above bellowed,
"There are no fish under the ice!"

Amazed, the blonde wasn't sure what to do. This certainly hadn't been covered in any of her books. She packed up her gear and moved to the far side of the ice. Once there she stopped for a few moments to regain her calm. Then she was extremely careful to set everything up perfectly. Tools in the right place, chair positioned just so. Just as she was about to cut a new hole, the voice came again, "There are no fish under the ice!"
Terrified, the blonde looked skyward and asked, "Is that you, Lord?"
And the voice boomed back, "No, this is the manager of the skating rink."
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Re: Jokes, please

Post  Ticky on Mon Dec 19, 2011 3:32 pm

Rumi wrote:Bike shed? I went to a Convent not a boys' home

THAT explains one hell of a lot.....
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Re: Jokes, please

Post  Guest on Mon Dec 19, 2011 2:38 pm

Bike shed? I went to a Convent not a boys' home

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Re: Jokes, please

Post  Ticky on Mon Dec 19, 2011 9:37 am

inbound39 wrote:
Rumi wrote:Why do Doctors slap babies' butts right after they are born?

To knock the penises off the smart ones


Rumi....see me after school!

she will be behind the bike shed....as usual...Twisted Evil
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Re: Jokes, please

Post  Guest on Mon Dec 19, 2011 9:17 am

Two drug addicts sharing a needle in an alleyway. Social worker walks past and is stunned by what she sees. She speaks up"Don't you know sharing needles can spread disease!".........The nearest addict turns and drawls...." It's okay lady!...we're wearing our condoms!"



Difference between an alcoholic and an addict. An alcoholic will steal your wallet. An addict will steal your wallet and then help you look for it!

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Re: Jokes, please

Post  Guest on Mon Dec 19, 2011 9:13 am

Rumi wrote:Why do Doctors slap babies' butts right after they are born?

To knock the penises off the smart ones


Rumi....see me after school!

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Re: Jokes, please

Post  Sun shine on Mon Dec 19, 2011 12:12 am

History's top 11 times for appropriate use of the F-word:


11th - "Scattered f***ing showers, my arse!" - Noah, 4314 BC

10th - "How the f*** did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC

9th - "You want WHAT on the f***ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566

8th - "Where did all those f***ing Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877

7th - "It does so f***ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926

6th - "Where the f*** are we?" ? Amelia Earhart, 1937

5th - "Any f***ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938

4th - "What the f*** was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima , 1945

3rd - "I need this parade like I need a f***ing hole in the head!" - JFK, 1963

2nd - "Aw c'mon Who the f*** is gonna find out?" - Tiger Woods, 2009

AND .... just arrived...

The 1st most appropriate time for using the "F" word....

"I'm going to save the f***ing World with my Carbon Tax!!" - Julia Gillard, 2011
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Re: Jokes, please

Post  foxidrive on Sun Dec 18, 2011 3:45 am

A little girl walks in to the lounge one Sunday morning while her Dad is reading the paper.

“Dad, Where does poo come from?” she asks.

The father, feeling a little anxious that his 5 year old daughter is already asking difficult questions, thinks for a moment and says:

“Well you know we just ate breakfast?”

“Yes,” answers the girl.

“Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bottom when we go to the toilet, and that is poo.”

The little girl looks shocked, and stares at him in stunned silence for a few seconds and asks…




“And Tigger?”
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Re: Jokes, please

Post  Guest on Sat Dec 17, 2011 9:55 pm

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast


He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night
wondering what could have happened to her. Next morning there's a knock
at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge
and a younger Constable.

...
The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some
really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.

'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'

The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young
Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the
reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'



The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of
a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what
the good news is.


The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up
there were quite a few really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice
crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.' He hands the
bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs in it.



'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news?


'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill
here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there
and pull her up again!'



A woman joke. Just so I can't be called sexist

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Re: Jokes, please

Post  Boots on Fri Dec 16, 2011 5:08 pm

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Re: Jokes, please

Post  Guest on Fri Dec 16, 2011 4:58 pm

Why do Doctors slap babies' butts right after they are born?

To knock the penises off the smart ones

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Jokes, please

Post  foxidrive on Fri Dec 16, 2011 4:52 pm

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the
sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'because you have tried to be
faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over
anytime I want.'

God replied,

'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that
kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and
the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to
justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of
something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I wish
that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's
thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means
when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help,
and how I can make a woman truly happy.


God replied:

'You want two lanes or four on that bridge...?"



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