Jokes, please

 :: Main Forums :: Jokes

Page 2 of 12 Previous  1, 2, 3, ... 10, 11, 12  Next

View previous topic View next topic Go down

Re: Jokes, please

Post  hicc's on Sat Mar 22, 2014 7:33 pm

A train hits a bus load of nuns and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.
He asks the first nun, ''Sister Karen, have you ever had any contact with a penis?''
The nun giggles and slyly replies, ''Well once I touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.''
St. Peter says, ''OK, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gate.''
St. Peter asks the next nun the same question, ''Sister Elizabeth have you ever had any contact with a penis?''
The nun is a little reluctant but replies ''Well once I fondled and stroked one.''
St. Peter says ''OK, dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gate.''
All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of nuns, one nun is pushing her way to the front of the line.
When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says ''Sister, Sister what seems to be the rush?!
''The nun replies, ''If I'm going to have to gargle that holy water, I want to go before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"
avatar
hicc's

Posts : 4587
Join date : 2011-08-03

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Jokes, please

Post  marg binns on Thu Mar 20, 2014 10:12 pm

Wilson wrote:

  Run boy run   Shocked  Shocked
avatar
marg binns

Posts : 3049
Join date : 2013-12-20

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Jokes, please

Post  Guest on Thu Mar 20, 2014 10:05 pm


Guest
Guest


Back to top Go down

Re: Jokes, please

Post  marg binns on Thu Mar 20, 2014 9:58 pm

Wilson wrote:


Sell it to a struggling circus  to use as the big top    Twisted Evil
avatar
marg binns

Posts : 3049
Join date : 2013-12-20

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Jokes, please

Post  Guest on Thu Mar 20, 2014 9:46 pm


Guest
Guest


Back to top Go down

Re: Jokes, please

Post  marg binns on Thu Mar 20, 2014 9:41 pm

Wilson wrote:


  That little black dress apparently  wasn't so little  the  remnants  covered 4 acres  
avatar
marg binns

Posts : 3049
Join date : 2013-12-20

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Jokes, please

Post  Guest on Thu Mar 20, 2014 9:23 pm


Guest
Guest


Back to top Go down

Re: Jokes, please

Post  marg binns on Sat Mar 01, 2014 11:44 am

feral wrote:Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandm...other replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
   Ha ha  Love it     
avatar
marg binns

Posts : 3049
Join date : 2013-12-20

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Jokes, please

Post  feral on Sat Mar 01, 2014 11:25 am

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandm...other replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

_________________
Ferals words of wisdom
avatar
feral

Posts : 2868
Join date : 2011-08-08

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Jokes, please

Post  marg binns on Tue Feb 25, 2014 3:23 pm

Wilson wrote:Shocked     Shocked  
 

Naughty Marg    
avatar
marg binns

Posts : 3049
Join date : 2013-12-20

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Jokes, please

Post  Guest on Sun Feb 23, 2014 9:59 pm

Shocked     Shocked  

Guest
Guest


Back to top Go down

Re: Jokes, please

Post  marg binns on Sun Feb 23, 2014 9:50 pm

Wilson wrote:


 I like Bios ..Setty looked great in that movie  even though she accidentally stepped on the strawberries and limos whilst moonwalking   to the delivery room  Very Happy
avatar
marg binns

Posts : 3049
Join date : 2013-12-20

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Jokes, please

Post  Guest on Sun Feb 23, 2014 9:01 pm


Guest
Guest


Back to top Go down

Re: Jokes, please

Post  BigP on Tue Dec 31, 2013 7:19 pm

Ticky wrote:heard it before......


you'd probably have bin the next twit he bumped into...

_________________
wake up maggie I think I got something to say to you...       ...
avatar
BigP
Founder
Founder

Posts : 4136
Join date : 2011-08-03
Age : 52

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Jokes, please

Post  Rumi on Tue Dec 31, 2013 7:14 pm

avatar
Rumi
Founder
Founder

Posts : 4146
Join date : 2012-06-16

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Jokes, please

Post  Ticky on Sun Dec 08, 2013 9:46 pm

heard it before......
avatar
Ticky
Founder
Founder

Posts : 7665
Join date : 2011-08-02
Location : perth

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Jokes, please

Post  hicc's on Sun Dec 08, 2013 9:39 pm

   Like that one...lol
avatar
hicc's

Posts : 4587
Join date : 2011-08-03

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Jokes, please

Post  Rumi on Sat Dec 07, 2013 12:43 pm

A Romanian arrives in Sydney as a new immigrant to Australia.

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. Australiaman, for letting me come into this country, giving me housing, Income Support, free medical care, and a free education!"

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Egyptian."

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Australia."

The person says, "I not Australian, I am Pakistani."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful country Australia!"

That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Afghanistan. I am not Australian."

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an Australia woman?"

She says, "No, I am from Africa."

Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Australians?"

The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work."

Very Happy 
avatar
Rumi
Founder
Founder

Posts : 4146
Join date : 2012-06-16

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Jokes, please

Post  hicc's on Sun Nov 24, 2013 8:34 pm

A married man goes to confessional and says to the priest, "Father, I had an affair with a woman... almost." "What do you mean almost?" question the priest. "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in," explains the priest. "You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The man leaves confessional, says his prayers, and then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then decides to leave. The priest quickly runs over to the man and exclaims, "I saw that... you didn't put any money in the poor box!" "Well Father, I rubbed up against it and, like you said, it's the same as putting it in!"


lol! 
avatar
hicc's

Posts : 4587
Join date : 2011-08-03

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Jokes, please

Post  hicc's on Mon Oct 28, 2013 3:02 pm

  A  couple had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. 
Every morning she would plead with him to stop  because it was making her sick.  He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. 
She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.


 The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her.
 She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room.
 The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face.
 She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.
 He said, “Honey you were right… all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.” “What do you mean?” asked his wife. “Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in…….............…..”
avatar
hicc's

Posts : 4587
Join date : 2011-08-03

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Jokes, please

Post  hicc's on Thu Oct 24, 2013 10:06 am

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,
P. Niss

The Response:
Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely, V. Gina
avatar
hicc's

Posts : 4587
Join date : 2011-08-03

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Jokes, please

Post  hicc's on Wed Oct 16, 2013 5:38 pm

If you have a green ball in the left hand and a green ball in the right.  What do you have?


Kermit the frog’s undivided attention


Twisted Evil 
avatar
hicc's

Posts : 4587
Join date : 2011-08-03

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Jokes, please

Post  hicc's on Wed Oct 16, 2013 5:22 pm

A blonde was driving down the road and noticed another blonde rowing in a canoe way out in the middle of a corn field.


 She yells out to her:

"You know, it’s girls like you that give blondes a bad name.


 If I could swim, I'd come out there and beat your ass"
avatar
hicc's

Posts : 4587
Join date : 2011-08-03

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Jokes, please

Post  hicc's on Mon Oct 14, 2013 1:08 pm

A blonde, a red head and a brunette were competing in the English Channel Breast Stroke Competition. 

The redhead won and the brunette came in second. However, there was no sign of the final contestant. Hours and hours went by causing grave concern and worry. Just as everyone was losing hope, the blonde finally arrived.

The crowd was extremely happy and relieved to see her. They embraced the young girl as she came ashore. After all of the excitement died down, 
she leaned over to the judge and whispered,


 "I hate to be a bad loser, but I think those other girls used their arms."
avatar
hicc's

Posts : 4587
Join date : 2011-08-03

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Jokes, please

Post  fatfarmer on Tue Oct 08, 2013 1:21 pm

The one about tick and the heat was really funny hiccs,,,i love a good chuckle,,
avatar
fatfarmer
Founder
Founder

Posts : 395
Join date : 2011-08-03
Location : lost

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Jokes, please

Post  Sponsored content


Sponsored content


Back to top Go down

Page 2 of 12 Previous  1, 2, 3, ... 10, 11, 12  Next

View previous topic View next topic Back to top

- Similar topics

 :: Main Forums :: Jokes

 
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum