Jokes, please

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Re: Jokes, please

Post  Rumi on Sun Nov 04, 2012 12:18 pm

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Re: Jokes, please

Post  Guest on Sat Nov 03, 2012 4:44 pm

lol!

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Re: Jokes, please

Post  hicc's on Sat Nov 03, 2012 4:34 pm

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Re: Jokes, please

Post  hicc's on Sat Nov 03, 2012 4:34 pm

Rumi wrote:That should get Tick excited

Gives him something to read while he enjoys his mushy peas.. bless his cotton socks Very Happy
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Re: Jokes, please

Post  Rumi on Sat Nov 03, 2012 4:12 pm

That should get Tick excited
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Re: Jokes, please

Post  hicc's on Sat Nov 03, 2012 3:51 pm

Two old women were talking about their sex lives. Ethel was upset because her sex life had really died, while Mildred said her sex life was great.

Mildred counseled Ethel, "When my Sammy is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lie on the bed, and put both legs behind my head. When he sees me like that, he gets so excited, we have wild sex the rest of the night."

Ethel said, "I'm going to try that tonight."

While Ethel's husband Harold was in the bathroom that night, she took off all her clothes. She struggled to get both legs behind her head. After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel fell backwards and couldn't move.

Harold came out of the bathroom with a shocked look on his face. "For God's sake Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in. You look like an asshole."

lol!
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Re: Jokes, please

Post  hicc's on Sat Nov 03, 2012 1:51 pm

One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.

Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
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Re: Jokes, please

Post  hicc's on Sat Nov 03, 2012 12:38 pm

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Re: Jokes, please

Post  Ticky on Sat Nov 03, 2012 12:28 pm

hicc's wrote:




LOVE IT.....
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Re: Jokes, please

Post  hicc's on Sat Nov 03, 2012 12:26 pm



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Re: Jokes, please

Post  hicc's on Sat Nov 03, 2012 12:15 pm

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store
clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics
rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart
bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the
Catholic Hospital he was taken to. A nun was seated next to his bed holding
a clip board loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was
going to pay for his treatment.

"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

He replied, "No money in the bank."

"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the
irritated nun.

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns
are married to God."

The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
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Re: Jokes, please

Post  Ticky on Wed Oct 31, 2012 6:10 pm

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Re: Jokes, please

Post  hicc's on Wed Oct 31, 2012 5:27 pm

A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.

The guy sitting next to him can't believe what he just saw. He's more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him.

The astonished onlooker asks, "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we're hundreds of feet above the ground!"

The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out.

The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar.

The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all. SPLAT!

The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. "You're really an asshole when you're drunk, Superman."

Very Happy
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Re: Jokes, please

Post  hicc's on Wed Oct 31, 2012 5:26 pm

Excuse the french .. but this cracked me up lol!

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Re: Jokes, please

Post  hicc's on Mon Oct 29, 2012 8:53 pm

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Re: Jokes, please

Post  BigP on Mon Oct 29, 2012 5:53 am

Argon walks into a bar.. the barman says "Sorry but we dont serve noble gasses" Argon doesn't react...

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Re: Jokes, please

Post  hicc's on Sun Oct 28, 2012 10:31 pm

Brad, a guy on the local beach just couldn't make it with any of the girls,
So he heads over to the lifeguard tower to see if the lifeguard has any advice
for him.
"Dude, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them baggy old
swimming trunks that make you look like an old geezer. They're years outta style.
Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Spandex Speedos - about two sizes
too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin you
man...you'll have all the babes you want!"
The following weekend, Brad hits the beach with his spanking new tight
Speedos, and his fist-sized potato and for cryin' out loud! - it's worse than
before!
Everybody on the beach acts disgusted as he walks by, covering
their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick! So Brad goes back to the
lifeguard again and asks him, "What's wrong now?"
"Jeez!" says the lifeguard, "The potato goes in front!"
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Re: Jokes, please

Post  hicc's on Sun Oct 28, 2012 10:12 pm




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Re: Jokes, please

Post  hicc's on Sun Oct 28, 2012 10:05 pm

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing."

"Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied,

"Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the fekkin jar open"
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Re: Jokes, please

Post  hicc's on Sun Oct 28, 2012 10:02 pm

George W. Bush has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to Hell,
where the Devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the Devil. "You
are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell
you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who
leaves."

Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the Devil opened the first room. In it was Richard
Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and
over and over. Such was his fate in Hell. "No," George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a
good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Newt Gingrich with a sledgehammer and a room
full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got
this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break
rocks all day," commented George.

The Devil opened a third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his
arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was
Monica Lewinsky, giving him a blow job, Bush looks in disbelief, and finally says,
"Yeah, I can handle that."

The Devil smiled and said,
"OK, Monica, you're free to go."
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Re: Jokes, please

Post  hicc's on Sun Oct 28, 2012 9:28 pm

A precious little girl, with two missing teeth, walks into Pet Smart and asks the owner, "Excuthe me mithter, do you have any widdle wabbits?"
As his heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks,
"Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, crosses her arms,
Leans forward and says;

"It dothn't weally matter, I don't think my python givth a thit."
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Re: Jokes, please

Post  Ticky on Sat Oct 27, 2012 10:49 am

BigP wrote:
Ticky wrote:like the irishman who died of asbestosis....they tried to cremate him but he would'nt burn...

I wonder how well bullshit burns.. Because youre full of it,,,lol

mornin pump ya old sheepshagger......hope ya balls fall off maaate....
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Re: Jokes, please

Post  BigP on Sat Oct 27, 2012 4:46 am

Ticky wrote:like the irishman who died of asbestosis....they tried to cremate him but he would'nt burn...

I wonder how well bullshit burns.. Because youre full of it,,,lol

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Re: Jokes, please

Post  Rumi on Fri Oct 26, 2012 11:02 pm

Ewwwwwww lol
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Re: Jokes, please

Post  hicc's on Fri Oct 26, 2012 8:56 pm

An elderly couple (who lived in an old folks home) had had feelings for one another for quite some time.

Then one day they had a chance to meet up, as the old folks were going out on a day trip.

The two complained of some sort of illness and the carers told them to say put.

When the coach with the elders in had pulled away the couple made sure the coast was clear before slipping into the mans bedroom.

As soon as they'd taken their clothes off and got into bed the man asked the women did she like anything doing to her?

"I love to be licked down below!" came the reply.

So the man ventured downwards.

After five minutes the man came back up.

"Any wrong?" asked the women.

"Well yes theres a horrible smell and it tastes quite bad down there" said the man.

"Oh" said the women. "That must be my arthritis"

"In your Vagina?" enquired the man.

"No"answered the women. "The arthritis in my shoulder! I can't wipe my arse!!!"
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