Jokes, please

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Re: Jokes, please

Post  hicc's on Sat Mar 02, 2013 7:31 pm

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Re: Jokes, please

Post  hicc's on Sat Mar 02, 2013 7:13 pm



Very Happy
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Re: Jokes, please

Post  hicc's on Mon Feb 25, 2013 10:44 am

Rude Warning.. Rude Warning..
NOT FOR PRUDES..

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. The doctor said "When you feel you are ready to ejaculate try startling yourself." That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion he ran home to his wife. At home he found his wife in bed naked and waiting. As the two began they found themselves in the 69 position. The man moments later felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired off the starter pistol. The next day the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked "How did it go?" The man answered "Not that well. When i fired the pistol my wife shit in my face, bit my penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air."

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Re: Jokes, please

Post  hicc's on Sun Feb 24, 2013 6:22 pm



Very Happy
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Re: Jokes, please

Post  Guest on Sat Feb 23, 2013 11:51 pm


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Re: Jokes, please

Post  Ticky on Sat Feb 23, 2013 2:47 pm

A teacher goes
around her class asking each of the kids what do they need at home.

1st
kid says "A computer".

Teacher replies "That'd be very
useful."

2nd kid says "a new lawn mower" and gets a similar
response.

Little Johnny pops up and says " At my house we don't need
nuthin."

The teacher asks him to think again carefully as everybody needs
something.

Little Johnny replies, "Nope I'm sure! When my sister started
dating a Muslim,

I
remember Dad saying ,"Well, that's the last bloody thing we
need."
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Re: Jokes, please

Post  hicc's on Fri Feb 22, 2013 8:19 pm



lol
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Re: Jokes, please

Post  Ticky on Mon Feb 18, 2013 2:04 pm

1. My darling, my lover,
my beautiful wife:

Marrying you has screwed
up my life.


2. I see your face when
I am dreaming.

That's why I always wake
up screaming.


3. Kind, intelligent,
loving and hot;

This describes
everything you are not.


4. Love may be
beautiful, love may be bliss,

But I only slept with
you because I was pissed.


5. I thought that I
could love no other ...

that is, until I met
your brother.


6. Roses are red,
violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.

But the roses are
wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty, and

so is your head.


7. I want to feel your
sweet embrace,

But don't take that
paper bag off your face.


8. I love your smile,
your face, and your eyes.

Damn it, I'm good at
telling such lies!


9. My love, you take my
breath away.

What have you stepped in
to smell this way?


10. My feelings for you
no words can tell,

Except for maybe 'Go to
hell'.
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Re: Jokes, please

Post  hicc's on Sun Feb 17, 2013 11:37 am

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Re: Jokes, please

Post  hicc's on Sun Feb 17, 2013 11:30 am

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Re: Jokes, please

Post  hicc's on Sun Feb 17, 2013 11:26 am

Yeah I know.. I know... but its funny...lol

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Re: Jokes, please

Post  hicc's on Sat Feb 16, 2013 9:42 am

An Irishman drinks at the pub until they close.

He stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time and falls again. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Outside, he tries to stand up and falls flat again. He gives up and crawls the four blocks to his house, crawls up the stairs and pulls himself into bed.

The next morning, his wife stands over him shouting, "So, you've been out boozing again!"

"What makes you say that?" he asks, putting on an innocent face.

"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."

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Re: Jokes, please

Post  hicc's on Sat Feb 16, 2013 9:32 am

Very Happy
One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.

Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

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Re: Jokes, please

Post  hicc's on Wed Feb 13, 2013 8:48 pm



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Re: Jokes, please

Post  hicc's on Wed Feb 13, 2013 5:27 pm

Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke
He asks the other guy if he has a lighter He replies " Yes i do " and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter.
Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?"
The guy replies " Oh I have a personal genie" The first man asks "Can i make a wish?
" Sure says the other man "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing" "Ok I will" says the other as he rubs the lamp
a genie appears and asks the man what he wants The man says " I want a Million Bucks "
The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head
And the guy says to the other " Your genie realy sucks at hearing doesnt He?"
The other man replies "I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC"
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Re: Jokes, please

Post  hicc's on Wed Feb 13, 2013 5:13 pm

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Marine.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained.

"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
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Re: Jokes, please

Post  Ticky on Mon Feb 11, 2013 4:35 pm

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at Government House. One is
from Cabramatta, another is from Marrickville, and the third is from Lane Cove.
All three go with an official to examine the fence.
>
> The
Cabramatta contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then
works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run
about $900, $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for
me."
>
> The Marrickville contractor also does some measuring and
figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. That's $300 for materials,
$300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
>
> The Lane Cove
contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the government official
and whispers, "$2,700."
>
> The official, incredulous, says, "You
didn't even measure like the other guys. How did you come up with such a high
figure?"
>
> The Lane Cove contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me,
$1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Marrickville to fix the fence."
>

> "Done!" replies the government official. And that, my fellow tax
payers, is how a Government Stimulus plan works.
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Re: Jokes, please

Post  hicc's on Sat Feb 09, 2013 7:38 pm

A refuse collector , is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor. He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks. There's no answer. Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - a bit harder and then harder still. Eventually a Chinese man comes to the door. "Harro!" says the Chinese man. "Gidday, mate! Where's ya bin?" asks the collector. "I bin on toiret," explains the Chinese bloke, a bit perplexed. Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again.. "No! No! Mate, where’s your dust bin?" "I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Chinese man, still perplexed. "Listen," says the collector. "You're misunderstanding me. Where's your wheelie' bin?'" "OK, OK." replies the Chinese man with a sheepish grin and whispers in the collector's ear. "I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife's sista!"

lol....

Very Happy Where's ya wheelie bin...lol
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Re: Jokes, please

Post  hicc's on Sat Feb 09, 2013 7:29 pm

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as
she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?"

The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has to be a ballerina!"
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Re: Jokes, please

Post  peace on Thu Feb 07, 2013 11:48 pm

loved the pharmacist one gimp.lol
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Re: Jokes, please

Post  feral on Thu Feb 07, 2013 9:26 pm

Man: I lost my wife.
Inspector: What is her height?

Man: I never noticed.
Inspector: Slim or healthy?

Man: Not slim, can be healthy
Inspector: Colour of the eyes?

Man: Never noticed
... Inspector: Colour of hair?

Man: Changes according to season.
Inspector: What was she wearing?

Man: I don't remember exactly.
Inspector: Was somebody with her???

Man: Yes, my Labrador dog, Romeo, tied with a
golden chain, height 30 inches, healthy, brown eyes,
blackish brown hair, his left foot thumb nail is slightly
broken, wearing a golden belt studded with blue
balls, he likes non-veg. food, we eat together, we jog together... And the man started crying....

Inspector: Let's search for the dog first!!!
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Re: Jokes, please

Post  feral on Thu Feb 07, 2013 9:18 pm

A young man goes into a pharmacy and says to the
pharmacist, "Hello, could you give me condom. I'm going to my girlfriends for dinner and I think I may be in with a chance!"
The pharmacist gives him the condom and as the young man is going out; he returns and says, "Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she ...sees me and I think I might strike it lucky there too."
The pharmacist gives him a second condom and as the boy is leaving he turns back and says, "Go on, give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mum is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes eyes, and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is expecting me to make a move!"
During dinner, the young man is sitting with his
girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right and the mum facing him.
When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying, "Dear Lord, bless this dinner and Thank you for all you give us." A minute later the boy is still praying; "Thank you Lord for your kindness." Ten minutes go by and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down. The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend is even more surprised than the others.
She gets close to the boy and says in his ear, "I didn't know you were so religious." The boy replies, "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!"Smile
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Re: Jokes, please

Post  hicc's on Wed Feb 06, 2013 11:56 am

Letter from God
One day God was looking down to earth and saw all the evil going on. He decided to send an angel down to earth to check it out. So, he called on a female angel and sent her to earth for a time. When she returned she told God yes, it is bad on earth, 95% is bad and 5% is good.
Well, He thought for a moment and said maybe I had better send down a male angel, to get both points of view. So, God called a male angel and sent him to earth for a time. When the male angel returned, he went to God and told him yes, the earth was in decline, 95% was bad and 5% was good.
God said this was not good. He would send a letter to the 5% that was good and encourage them, something to help them keep going. Do you know what that letter said?
Oh, you didn't get one either?

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Re: Jokes, please

Post  hicc's on Wed Feb 06, 2013 11:51 am

Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two days later the three mates get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

"Wow Ron, how long you been here? How did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night. After dinner at home yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'

I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing sexy brand new lingerie. She said she had been reading 'Fifty Shades of Grey' and she had a devilish look in her eyes!!!

She took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.

On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes!

She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, 'Do whatever you want.'

So . . . . here I am!"
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Re: Jokes, please

Post  Guest on Sat Feb 02, 2013 11:02 pm


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